Cloud hangs over face melters as barmaid auctions secret book

DALARAN. A secret code of conduct for shadow priests governing how the dark brethren should behave while away from the monastery has been found by a barmaid in a Dalaran tavern.

The shocking guidelines are said to include advice on exploiting auction houses for profit, safe application of narcotics and sex toys, and basic triage in combat scenarios.

One section procured by this reporter describes the conditions under which it is acceptable to allow other adventurers to die. Of rogues, the chapter says: "don't even bandage the fuckers".

The Modern Shadow Priest Handbook was found abandoned in a dark corner of the salubrious Filthy Animal by Tiffany Gorehound, 23, barmaid and "part-time model".

"It was, like, just lying there," she confided. "I was curious because you don't get many people coming in here to read, if you know what I mean!"
She quickly realised the explosive — not to mention lucrative — nature of the material she found. "It's gonna go to the highest bidder!" she squealed.

If such a handbook exists, it could threaten the very foundations of shadow priesting, and would certainly strengthen calls for more transparency from Azeroth's far-reaching cabal of dark missionaries.
A spokesperson for the Cult of the Forgotten Shadow refused to comment, except to say "we are transparent enough already" and "we are interesting in talking to the blood elf Merlot in connection with our own investigations into this matter."

Shadow priests enter arms race

Cold war hots up as face melters get mortal strike.

DALARAN. In two apparently unrelated incidents, weapons inspectors were expelled from the sovereign states of shadow priests and frost mages yesterday as both factions declared their intent to test mortal strike debuffs in open combat.

Both groups defended their actions by saying the technology would be used primarily as a deterrent to open agression.

The international association of arms warriors scoffed at these claims and responded immediately with a statement condemning the developments as irresponsible. They warned of "a new age of escalating hostilities" as Azeroth's class-based organisations strove to reproduce their own similar effects and countermeasures.

The coalition of combat medics, representing healers of all classes and factions, refused to comment publicly, but one inside source admitted the mood was "very sombre indeed".

If shadow priests and frost mages have manage to secure mortal strikes, most seasoned pvp observers fear it will only be a matter of time before more classes follow suit.

"To tell you the truth, this is what keeps me awake at night," one veteran Horde gladiator told this reporter. "It was bad enough when only arms warriors had it. Do you think those frost mages will be able to keep it a secret? No shit, it'll be in the hands of rogues before the season's out. Then all hell will break loose. It's the beginning of the end."

Washed-up priest walks out on Argent contest

The Argent Tournament grounds were plunged into turmoil yesterday when a blood elf threw down his lance and refused to joust.

The pouting priest accused the faction champions of being "stoopid" and "bugged to all hell" before skulking out of the arena in search of kittens to kick.

A tournament squire gleefully recounted the priest's final fateful joust:

"He looked just like all the other champions when he mounted the turkey. He strutted over to the draenei and slapped one across the face. Bit girly I thought, but I've seen worse. But man, I don't know what he thought he was doing after that. I saw him toss a couple of shield breakers, but the draenei dude always got the first charge in. Half the time, the priest was facing the wrong way."

"I think he's a key turner," another observer whispered.

The priest, known to locals as Merlot, was eventually tracked down to Dalaran's Filthy Animal, where he was seen singing bawdy verses and flirting with the orc bouncers.

"They're all cheats," he blurted in-between hiccups. "They don't lag, they don't need to shield break and they're always facing the right way. S'not natural."

The mention of cheating drew jeers from some of the inn's more burly patrons. A half-masticated drumstick hit the priest square on the jaw spinning him round.

"S'not right," he slurred. "I's a mace felter not a lapadin. Where's the magic turna... tour... ment thingy huh?"

He passed out, leaving the unanswered question hanging in the air.

Horde bookmakers have since raises their odds on the priest ever completing the tournament quest line.

Sex workers call time on missing favourite

DALARAN. The female workers of Dalaran's seedy Sunreaver's inn have launched an appeal after their most popular — and generous — patron went missing.

Troll priest Dralban — who, it must be said, lives more to the spirit than the letter of his calling — was last seen five days ago celebrating the death of black dragonflight honcho Sartharion.

The girls are offering a reward of twelve northern stew and a lap dance for any information that leads to the good-time cleric's safe return.

"It's not the same without him," pouted one of the bar's many buxom wenches, picking her teeth. "Nope," agreed another. "My tips are down twenty per cent."