The crushing headaches, nausea, itching and insomnia lasted about a week, but the shaking continued unabated till Sunday. Writing was difficult and handling a keyboard was forbidden. Thankfully, I was spared the constipation. WoW withdrawal, I discovered, is not to be sniffed at.
It started two weeks ago when I left the country on business. I begged, pleaded, lied and bribed to get out of it and still failed. Then there was the family birthday I couldn't get out of. Two weeks in all. Like an orc warrior facing his enemy, I thought I was invincible, but it turns out Illidan was right — I really wasn't prepared.
Day one wasn't so bad. I opened my trusty notebook on the plane and made a few notes for the blog. By the time I arrived at the hotel, my hands were a bit restless and I was humming the loading theme: no biggy.
At work the next day I tried to mouse over a few people to see their level and class. Once or twice I appeared to lag in meetings. I felt pretty rough and decided to get an early night.
I dreamed I was fighting a crowd of angry hockey moms trying to snag the last known copy of Wrath in existence. Needless to say they were all rogues. I woke up in a cold sweat and struggled to get back to sleep.
The rest of the trip is a blur. I was near-comatose on painkillers and kept lapsing into hallucinations. At night, I watched infomercials and the Food Network. I discovered something called a Snuggie, which is apparently a blanket with sleeves. I realised it would be the perfect solution to keeping warm while raiding. The burgundy is rather clerical and I resolved to learn the pattern when I was feeling better.
Then it was time to come home and catch up with my family. Sadly, every last one of them is a soulless husk of flesh with no knowledge of the wonders of WoW. They barely own computers. I pity them.
I was consoled only by copious amounts of alcohol, which luckily my family knows lots about. It's not a super mana potion, but vodka has several redeeming qualities. If you mix it with tomato juice and squint, it almost looks like a health pot.
Or at least, that's what I told myself as I approached day twelve of my cold-turkey hell. At this point I was quite hysterical.
By the time I made it home, I was 12 pounds lighter and a good deal smellier. I had red eyes and a beard and I wanted to die.
My doctor thinks I was on the cusp of a breakthrough. Sadly, we'll never know. I threw myself upon the mercy of my laptop and dived gratefully into the womb-like warmth of Azeroth vowing never to leave home without it again.
I'm so far behind on priest changes now it's not funny — but you guys all know more than me anyway, so I don't feel too bad. And what you miss out on in class developments, you gain in handy computing accessories like the Snuggie. Aren't you glad you dropped by now?
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